They Got Audacity on Sale Down at the Walmarts...

It's in that one aisle by the deviled egg plates...

So, I’ve apparently gotten locked into a very odd algorithm. The ‘Guess what jackassery JD Vance has got up to today!’ algorithm.

I’m guessing this happened because I’ve gone in on him multiple times on Facebook. Mostly because he’s a sanctimonious dingus, and it gives me joy (those couch memes have been hysterical)— but it’s partially for the benefit of a lot of my conservative acquaintances who are more conservative by default, rather than MAGA rabid. They’re mostly apolitical, but usually vote GOP out of habit. I’ve made sure they know every single detail of the JD Vance Jackass Parade that has been playing out since he got picked for VP. Most of them at this point are of the opinion that ‘That boy ain’t right.’

So I guess my researching various stupid things he’s said and done since he’s been in the public eye landed me in the JD Vance shitposting algorithm. The Interwebz is now like ‘Hey! Hey! JD is up to fuckery again! You’ll love this one!’ I don’t remember which of my feeds sent me the article below, but it was a doozy.

New Crazy Shit JD Vance Has Gotten Up To

This guy is just an embarrassment of riches. Emphasis on 'embarrassment'.

According to JD here, ‘having grandmothers help raise children is “the whole purpose of the postmenopausal female.” ’

Really? The whole purpose? Damn, y’all should have sent me a memo or something. I gotta be on my last few eggs and apparently any day now I’m gonna have to undergo a a career change and find someone’s kid to raise. I don’t even have any lunchables in the house or nothin’. Do I have to buy Werther’s Originals?

My first inclination after reading that was to laugh. JD can’t buy an Appalachian Bona Fide for love or money, but apparently he’s got an overabundance of audacity. How exactly did your narrow ass become the undisputed authority qualified to speak on the societal role of postmenopausal women, my Dude?

But then, after some consideration and several variations on middle finger calisthenics, I came to a different decision. I'm not postmenopausal yet JD, but… leave your kids with me. Go ahead.

First thing I'm going to teach your daughter is every single swear word in existence. Then I'll tell her the same thing MY postmenopausal neighbor, Joni Kohler, told me. 'Honey, you gotta know those words and know how to use 'em. Because men don't always listen to women in this world, and you gotta MAKE 'em listen!' Any girl child left with me will know the full strength of her own voice, and that she has a divine right to use it. That she can say what she wants to say any way she wants to say it. That her voice is her power, and she should never EVER let it be silenced.

Don't believe me? Try and shut my daughter up. See how far you get. Get your Mama to pray for you. You’re gonna need it.

I'll teach her that if someone is banning a book, she should walk right down to her local library or used bookstore and get a copy of it and find out just exactly what they don't want her to know. I will teach her that worlds exist in books and the perspective they offer into other places and other people is priceless. I will teach her that nothing she learns can ever be taken from her. I will teach her how to think critically, how to research and fact check, how to evaluate the validity of a source of information, and that she should never EVER stop asking questions.

I'll teach her that brilliance and talent and strength and potential are all burning within her like teeny flames, and that she can feed those flames until they blaze like the sun. I'll teach her that she is limitless, she is magic, she is sacred, and that she can be absolutely anything she wants, despite what you tell her she has to be.

I'll teach her that empathy and compassion are important, and that everyone is worthy of dignity. I'll teach her that kindness is not weakness, and we help others not so they can be saved, but so we can be.

Then I'll teach her that her body is absolutely her own. No one else's. And no one has the right to tell her what she has to do with it, claim dominion over it, legislate it, or touch it against her will. I'll teach her she owes no allegiance or fealty to anyone who seeks to control her body or her mind. I'll teach her that guilt and shame are not hers to carry, that she doesn't have to be beautiful for anyone else if she doesn't want to, or hide her beauty to keep someone else from falling into temptation. She is not responsible for anyone else's thoughts or actions and she sure as hell isn't responsible for anyone else's sin.

And I'll teach her that she doesn't have to bow her knee to a God who sees her as less than because she was born a girl. She can find her own path to Spirit if she wishes--she doesn't have to follow yours.

I'll teach her that while she absolutely can choose to be a mother, that she never has to have a child if she doesn't want to. Despite what she has been told, there are multitudes of childless women who live in serenity and peace and joy, sharing their homes with their cats or their dogs or with no one at all, and they love their lives, which are wholly their own. They create art and music and gorgeous gardens, they sleep in the middle of the bed and eat whatever they want for dinner. They travel to wonderful places, and they sing and dance whenever they feel like it, and enjoy their friends, and help their communities. They speak for the voiceless, and work tirelessly to make the world a better place for little girls like her. That such a life isn't a consolation or a cautionary tale, but rather, a pleasure so deep and so rich and so profound that it's decadent. So she never has to fear such a life.

And I'll teach her she can love who she will, and she is worthy of a love of her choosing. Love is love and it doesn't have to fit anyone's narrow definition of what it 'should' be. And if you don't like it, she can look you dead in the eyes and tell you that you can get glad in the same britches you got mad in, as my Papaw would say. I'll teach her she doesn't have to live her life for you. That it is her absolute right to live it for herself.

So go ahead JD. If you think that it is the lot of middle aged women to raise your kids for you, I absolutely encourage you and all the men like you to go right ahead and turn those sweet babies over to us. While I don't agree that it's our destiny to live out our non-fertile years as caretakers, and that our only value lies in what we can offer you and other parents, I absolutely encourage you all to turn over your children to us.

Please, turn those kids over to all of the women you underestimate. Women who are creative and passionate and brilliant and compassionate, and have a wealth of life experience and wisdom, and who speak from power in a way that you cannot begin to contemplate. Women who are absolutely fed up with men like you, sick to the fucking gills of your shit, and who don't want ANY future generation to put up with the same kind of toxic crap we dealt with in our lives. Give them over to us, so we can tell them all we’ve learned. Despite what you seem to think, we are busy, because our lives are full and complex and we have far more going on than you believe we do. But for this? We’ll make time.

FA, FO JD. I dare you. Watch what happens.